Examples of Some New Ways of Thinking

Transforming old messages into more constructive thoughts

Old message: If only my students (or kids, spouse, boss, parents, the government, etc.) would change, my life would be better.
New message: If my current behaviors (or thinking patterns) aren’t working for me, I am willing to change them. 

Old message: Other people’s actions, words and attitudes create my feelings and determine my behaviors, words, attitudes, and feelings.
New message: My reaction to other people’s actions, words, and attitudes creates my feelings. I am responsible for my feelings and actions.

Old message: This is just the way I am.
New message: I always have choices about my own behavior, language, and attitude. 

Old message: Sometimes you have to get angry, helpless, or sad in order to get people to do what you want. 
New message: I avoid using my feelings to try to change or control other people.

Old message: I am responsible for the behavior, performance, and appearance of others (for example, my children/students, employees, spouse, etc.)
New message: I can guide, reflect, and support others and still leave them responsible for their own behavior—and also respect their right to make their own choices.

Old message: My house (or classroom), my rules. Or: My way or the highway.
New message: We all live (or work) here together. While I may have the final say in many situations, your needs, preferences, and feelings matter to me.

Old message: When other people hurt or disappoint me, I have the right to hurt back or try to make them feel guilty.
New message: I can take care of myself without deliberately hurting or manipulating others.

Old message: If someone hurts me or someone I love, I have to get revenge to maintain my honor.
New message: I have the right to state my opinions and stand up for myself and others without hurting anyone.

Old message: If you really cared about me, you’d put my needs first.
New message: Self-abandonment is not loving behavior. Take care of yourself.

Old message: I will do my best to take care of others. If they’re happy, I’m happy.
New message: I will do my best to take care of myself and still consider other people’s needs and feelings.

Old message: It’s important that other people have high opinions of me. I am willing to do whatever I can to control their impression or opinion of me.
New message: What others think of me is none of my business.

Old message: I don’t care how you treat me, as long as you love me and never leave.
New message: I don’t care if you love me, just treat me right. Or: I will not tolerate abusive behavior, no matter how you feel about me.

Old message: Peace at any price.
New message: I am willing to risk conflict, loss, and even abandonment in order to take care of myself.