Conflict Prevention &
Conflict Resolution:
Strategies
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Frequent sources of conflict
Unresolved crisis (frequently family, relationship, financial, or community
issues)
Unmet need for power or attention; perceived inability to meed these
needs in healthy or constructive ways
Perceived inability to succeed (frustration, despair, boredom)
Unmet need for physical, emotional and/or academic safety
Boundary issues, including:
Lack of boundaries (on part of the adult)
Unclear, undefined or ambiguous boundaries
Unenforced boundaries (no follow-through)
Boundaries with built-in loop-holes (ex: “...unless you have
a good excuse.”)
Violations of student’s boundaries
Self-Assessment: To what degree do the power structures
in my classroom (or school) accommodate the students’ needs for SAFETY,
SUCCESS, & POWER?
Strategy: Boundary-Setting
Boundaries:
are tools to help us take care of ourselves in our relationships with
others
attempt to accommodate the needs or desires of others
build “win-win” power structures
encourage cooperation and mutual respect without depending on fear,
disempowerment, or manipulation
create a success-oriented, reward-oriented environment
allow outcomes (consequences, positivie and negative) to occur in non-punitive
environment
make others accountable for their own behavior (as long as we follow
through)
leave the door open for the other person to change his or her behavior
in order to get needs met
support emotional safety in relationships
Boundary-Setting Strategies and Tips:
Boundary-setting works best in an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and
respect for the people you’re working with (that is, who they are, not how they behave). Examine the degree to which you can feel
and express these characteristics of healthy relationships unconditionally.
Boundaries work better than rules. Rules come from a place of power,
are typically win-lose (as opposed to win-win, as are boundaries) and
are usually have the greatest commitment in the people the rules benefit
most (and/or the people who made the rules). In a school setting, rules
place responsibility on the adults. Boundaries put greater responsibility
on the students.
For the same reasons, boundaries work better than commands, demands
or expectations.
Anticipate your needs as well as the needs of others involved. Look
for ways to get your needs met that will still accommodate the needs
of others.
There is no such thing as unmotivated behavior. What motivates the other
party? What’s in it for him or her to cooperate? A good boundary
encourages cooperation by connecting meaningful payoffs to cooperative
behavior.
The best “payoffs” are those that do not rely on the adult’s
anger or conditional approval.
All motivation is “internal,” whether it involves doing something
for the love of the task (or subject), doing something to gain access
to something more meaningful, or doing something to avoid something
painful or unpleasant.
Communicate your boundary clearly before it’s violated, even if
the other person should know what it is. If you have failed to set a
boundary because you couldn’t possibly anticipate the other person’s
behavior, stop and do so before things get totally out of hand.
Listen, negotiate, and empower. Offer choices within limits you can
live with. If the other person suggests something that is unreasonable,
uncomfortable for you, unsafe, or just won’t work, say so: “That
won’t work for me.” Make a counter-offer or ask for another
suggestion.
FOLLOW THROUGH. Once you’ve set a boundary, be willing to live
with the consequences. If your boundary is unreasonable, renegotiate
it next time, not in mid-stream.
STRATEGY: COMMUNICATION
Dealing with parents and community:
Maintain regular positive contact. Let people know what their kids are
doing right.
Document. Document. Document. Many conflicts can be avoided when teachers
can substantiate decisions regarding choices such as academic placement,
particularly with regard to accommodating student academic or learning
style needs.
Maintain healthy boundaries. Do not ask parents to solve problems between
a teacher and a child. Relationships tend to be more cooperative and
mutually supportive when parents are simply informed about problems
(and what the teacher or staff is doing to handle it) rather than asked
to take responsibility for the solution of the problem.
By the same token, support parents’ problem solving skills without
taking responsibility for the solution. (For example, good boundaries
allow you to refuse to kick a kid off the team at school because he
broke curfew at home.)
Attack problems, not people. Make clear the goal of reaching a solution,
gaining a commitment to more positive behaviors, and/or preventing further
problems, rather than exacting punishment, making the student wrong,
blaming, shaming, or criticizing.
With staff, students, administrators, other individuals:
If something isn’t working, talk to the person involved. Complaining
and triangulating (trying to get to the person involved by going “through”
a third party) will usually complicate matters.
If at all possible, wait until you feel calm and rational before approaching
the other person. Reactivity generally creates obstacles in communication.
Stick to the issues. If at all possible, leave feelings out of it. (After
all, people don’t create your feelings, and relationships get “muddy”
when we try to get what we want from others by making them responsible
for how we feel or react.) Instead of “When you... I feel...”, try “This isn’t working” and then renegotiate
the boundary, or develop a new agreement from here on in. (For more
information on alternatives to “I-messages,” click here.)
If you have feelings come up, deal with them. You might want to share
them with a neutral party who can listen, validate, and support you
without getting personally involved in the problem at hand. If you express
your feelings directly to the person involved, be careful to not attempt
to make that person responsible for the feelings. (For example, “I’m
feeling really angry about this” is quite different from “You
made me mad” or “When you...I feel angry.”)
Better yet, leave your feelings out of the equation and simply ask for
what you want! Remember, you want the other person to change his behavior
so that you will be available to talk, or so that he can use certain
materials again, or whatever–NOT so that you feel better!
STRATEGY: SUPPORTIVENESS
Conflicts between students, staff, staff and students, others (when you’re
not personally involved in the conflict):
Get clear on your role.
Listen.
Distinguish between feelings and behaviors. All feelings are OK.
Accept: Make no judgments about anyone’s feelings or their right
to be upset. Resist the urge to dismiss their feelings, distract them,
deny that they really feel that way, or engage in other destructive
behaviors, such as blaming, shaming, attacking, enmeshing, or asking
them to defend their feelings. (For more ideas on non-supportive strategies
to avoid, click here.)
Validate the reality of their experience, and support their right to
their feelings.
Maintain your boundaries.
In helping others find solutions, ask–don’t tell. Resist the
urge to give advice or get in the middle of someone else’s conflict.
You get to feel important and needed, but it robs them of the opportunity
to build competence and confidence in their own problem-solving ability.
Help the other person think through their options and the consequences
of various choices. By the way, this works bestafter people have had
a chance to externalize their feelings. (For more information on this
topic, click here.)
Model and teach conflict-management.
Leave the door open for future discussion.
Strategies: Other
Establish a “Win-win” power dynamic (authority relationship)
Goal: How can we both get what we want?
Means: Offering choices (in which any of the choices you offer is acceptable);
requesting and considering students’ input in decisions that affect
them
Allows for student empowerment within limits established by the teacher/parent/authority.
Reduces the need for rebelliousness, acting out.
Create a Success-Oriented Environment
Goal: Make success possible for every student in the classroom
Means: Giving clear directions; Identify and attempt to accommodate
individual learning styles and needs; Establishing, communicating, and
maintaining clear boundaries
Focus on the Positive
Restructure reactive environments to proactive environments (emphasis
on prevention)
Restructure punishment-oriented environments to become more reward-oriented
Express contingencies as promises rather than threats
Use the examination and review of a student’s work to identify
what that student still needs to learn, rather than as an excuse to
simply mark errors, flaws, omissions.
In giving feedback, emphasize positive performance, achievement
Eliminate Double Standards
Hold self to same standards as expectations for students
Make sure your behaviors, language, attitude, tone of voice, body language,
etc. are congruent from what you want from students
Avoid making a big deal out of things kids do just because they’re
kids (If you wouldn’t yell at an adult for the same thing, don’t
yell at a kid!)
Remember that kids need and respond to positive motivation–just
like you do.
Excerpted and adapted from several books by Jane Bluestein,
Ph.D., including: Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, © 2001, Parents, Teens & Boundaries, ©
2001, and The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s and Don’ts of Effective
Parenting, © 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach,
FL, and The Win-Win Classroom, revised edition, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA.
Buy Creating Emotionally Safe Schools.
Buy Parents, Teens & Boundaries.
Buy The Win-Win Classroom.
See other handouts and excerpts from The Win-Win Classroom and Creating Emotionally Safe Schools:
Stressful or Painful School Experiences that can affect learning and behavior in negative ways
Rules and Boundaries
Guidelines for Reinforcing Positive
Behavior
Self-Assessment
Dealing Successfully with your Students’ Parents
Getting Away with Success
Rules and Boundaries
Handling Negative Behavior
Industrial Age vs. Information Age Classrooms
Guidelines for Offering Choices
Behavior Management: Intervention Strategies
Win-Win Ideas for Administrators
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete
alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.
Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.
Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane
Bluestein
Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.
Hire Jane: Everything you need for your next conference or professional development event
Jane’s Calendar
Click here (or on the image to the left) to see Jane’s schedule. Click here for a map with links to dates that she will be in your area.
Help support this site
The content on this site is free. You are welcome to download, copy, distribute, or use the material (with proper attribution) in any way you feel will be helpful. Your support will help us continue to maintain the site, add new content, hire translators and tech support consultants, and keep the site ad free. Any support is much appreciated.
