A brief self-assessment

As a part of many of my presentations (including nearly all full-day seminars and keynotes that address different ways people learn), I poll the audience to give participants a sense of differences that exist within the group. Even with small groups, the responses tend to be all over the map.

Because I have had so many requests for this particular slide and handout, I’ve decided to just put the seven questions here on my site. I believe that this list emerged from my work with a self-assessment survey by Kenneth and Rita Dunn, which I first encountered in my graduate studies in the late 1970s. (Their survey, at least the one with which I’m most familiar, is rather long and detailed. I used it in my own classroom and learned a great deal about the diversity of student learning preferences.)

1. I study best when it’s quiet:  True | False
2. I learn more in a room with bright lights, or natural light:  True | False
3. I listen better when I’m doodling, chewing gum, or playing with a piece of string:  True | False
4. I’m more alert later in the day than early in the morning:  True | False
5. I need to study in a relaxed position, with my feet up on the couch or in bed:  True | False
6. I remember things I see better than things I hear:  True | False
7. I like a lot of freedom on my projects (structure and guidelines are okay):  True | False

Excerpt from The Win-Win Classroom, by Dr. Jane Bluestein, © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA.

One more note: The whole point of my discussing differences in how people learn (acquire, process, or explain information, for example) is to remind educators and parents that these differences exist. Rather than trying to identify or label specific learners, I have always encouraged adults to support these differences by offering and allowing different accommodations for them. I find many students to be extremely intuitive about how and where they learn best when we give them opportunities to explore different options. (And the options we allow can give us a good bit of leverage in encouraging cooperative behavior by setting and maintaining boundaries on how these accommodations can be used without creating a problem for others.) See below for more information on this topic.

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Related resources:

The Animal School
Conditions with ADHD “Look-Alike” Symptoms
The “Ideal” Student: The students we were taught to teach
I’m Hyperactive, You’re Hyperactive: Implications for a diagnosis
Literacy: What’s Movement Got to Do with It?
Multiple Intelligences: Many ways to be “smart”
Myers-Briggs Personality Types
Myers-Briggs Scales and Categories
Should Classrooms Ban Water Bottles?
Stress and the Brain: The impact of stress on learning and behavior
Water and the Body: The benefits of water for learning, behavior, and health
Working with Different Modality Strengths and Limitations: Characteristics and strategies

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Hire Jane: Click here for everything you need for your next conference or professional development event.

Asking questions to guide problem solving

The questions that follow are provided to help with the mechanics of mastering the technique of “asking—not telling,” an effective alternative to giving kids advice that encourages independence and problem-solving competence. The questions are in no particular order and will neither be relevant nor appropriate for every child or situation you encounter. Read through the list for ideas and to help become more familiar with the process. Use what works for you. Add to this list as you think of other questions or want to note ideas that work.

The purpose of these questions— and this process —is to allow you to put the responsibility for solving a particular problem on the child, almost like throwing a ball back to him, over and over, even though it will almost always seem easier to just catch the ball (the problem) and run with it yourself (give advice or solve the problem for him). Remember, you want to get a dialogue going, one in which the child does most of the talking and you do most of the listening. You want to help him get a better grip on what’s going on in a particular situation, and to determine what he wants, which options are available (and won’t create additional problems) and what he’s ultimately going to try to make it better or make it right.

This process is only as good as your ability to listen and respond to what you’re hearing. Be careful that you don’t simply run down this list, bombarding your child with a series of questions. Please do not “drill” your kids or get impatient to ask the next question. This is not a script and the questions are not the issue— the process is!

So next time a child* trusts you enough to come to you with a problem, watch the tendency to offer solutions or advice. Try this process and watch how smart even young children can be!

*This process works especially well with adults! Regardless of who has approached you, the process of listening, reflecting and using questions to help guide the other person to his own solution is extremely respectful of his intelligence, and his capacity for solving his problems.

Some Sample Questions

• What happened?
• What would you like to happen next?
• What do you think will (or might) happen next?
• How do you think you’ll feel later (or afterwards)?
• How would you feel if that happened to you?
• What have you tried so far?
• What’s worked for you in the past?
• What else could you try?
• What kind of back-up plans do you have if that doesn’t work?
• What have you tried that’s worked with this person?
• What have you tried that’s worked in similar situations?
• What are you risking by doing that?
• Is it worth it?
• How can you take care of yourself in this situation?
• How would you like him/her to treat you?
• What do you plan to say?
• What seems to work for the other kids?
• If you had a magic wand, how would you make this turn out?
• What do you think the other person wants?
• What have you just agreed to?
• Will that create any problems for you?
• Will that create any problems for anyone?
• What if you change your mind?
• What else might you try?
• What have you learned from this?
• What are you going to do the next time you’re tempted to do that?
• How are you going to avoid this problem in the future?
• How are you going to prevent this problem in the future?
• Is this helping?
• How important is it for you to (pass this class, get the part, stay in this relationship, make the team. . .)?
• What are you willing to do to (pass this class, get the part, stay in this relationship, make the team…)?
• What will happen if you don’t (pass this class, get the part, stay in this relationship, make the team…)?
• How will you know if that’s a good choice?
• What would you have to do differently to make this work?
• What are you willing to change?
• How can you find out?
• What questions do you have?
• How do you think you might handle this the next time it occurs?
• What do you wish you could say to this person?
• Do you want the situation to change?
• How do you want the situation to change?
• Are you willing to consider other options?
• What will you do the next time you run into him/her?
• What does this person want you to do to make things right?
• What might you propose as an alternative?
• What will happen if you get caught?
• Would you like to talk about it?
• Would you like to talk to someone else about this?
• Can you live with that?
• What are you being blamed for?
• What parts of this situation are beyond your control?
• What parts of this situation are within your control (or influence)?
• What are the limits (or criteria or deadlines) in this situation?
• How much time do you need to decide?
• What if you’re OK the way you are?
• What would that sound like?
• How are you going to follow up on this?
• When are you going to follow up on this?
• What do you wish this other person would do?
• If the situation doesn’t change, how can you take care of yourself?
• What bothers you the most about this situation?
• What do you like best about this person?
• Do you want to solve this problem?
• Do you need more time to think about it?
• Do you want me to leave you alone?

Other questions you might use:

How you will remember to ASK (or just LISTEN!) the next time you’re tempted to give advice?

Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Dr. Jane Bluestein © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA. Similar issues are addressed in Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, as well as Parents, Teens & Boundaries, both by Dr. Jane Bluestein © Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.

Related resources:

Non-Supportive Responses to Avoid: Yes, these really do make things worse!
Magic Sentences for Effective Communication
Questions, Not Answers
What’s Wrong with I-Messages?
The Power of Discouragement

Click hereto order Dr. Bluestein’s articles, “Ask—Don’t Tell” and “Being a Supportive Listener.”

Presentation: Bearing Witness: Support for Kids in Crisis
Presentation: “No Really, I’m Fine!” Connecting with Kids in Emotional Distress
Presentation: Secrets of Successful Mentorship: Practical Ideas for Great Leaders

 Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Yes, these really do make things worse!

If people trust us enough to share an experience that has had an emotional impact on them, we usually do the most good when we can respond with empathy and support. Unfortunately, the following non-supportive or negative responses are so common and pervasive in our culture that avoiding them may prove to be a challenge. In fact, many of these responses are so familiar that they may actually appear to be helpful!

Yet each one of these patterns can create stress and mistrust in the relationship, effectively blocking the kinds of intimacy, caring, and communications most of us say we want. Each one has its own way of compounding the initial problem and can ultimately teach others that we are not a good person to seek out when they are in crisis or simply need help sorting something out.

As you’ll note in the examples, this page was originally developed for parents and teachers to use to improve their communication skills with children who are having problems or emotional experiences and the examples are those I’ve witnessed or, sadly, used myself. I can personally vouch for significant improvements in my relationships with adults as I have learned to avoid responding with these all-too-familiar patterns.

Responses that attempt to make the feelings go away

Dynamic: Attempts to protect children from their feelings, or to protect adults who are uncomfortable with children’s feelings.

Outcomes: Child’s self-doubt, confusion, mistrust of personal reality, need to “stuff” feelings. Message: Feelings are not OK.

Examples:

Dismissing/Minimizing
“That’s nothing to be upset over.” “That doesn’t mean anything.” “So she called you a camel. Big deal!”
Discounts impact of an event or experience on the child; does not respect the validity or reality of his or her experience.

Excusing
“She didn’t mean it.” “He didn’t know what he was saying.” “She must be having a bad day.” “Well, you know, her parents are going through a divorce.”
Rather than encouraging compassion (a valuable skill to teach in a non-conflict time) these responses are likewise disrespectful. They also carry the dangerous implication that as long as someone has an excuse, it’s OK for them to be thoughtless or mean (or worse).

Denying
“Oh, you don’t really feel that way.” “There’s no such thing as monsters.” “People shouldn’t hate their brothers.”
Just plain crazy-making; can confuse, distract; suggests that the child’s reality isn’t real.

Distracting
“But you’re so good in your other subjects.” “Things could be worse.” “You’re lucky you have a brother/job/boyfriend.” “But his parents are so nice.” “Cheer up! This is the best time in your life!”
Confusing; disrespectful of the child’s reality and experience; denies the child the right to have a negative feeling. Note that this last example may be one of the most dangerous things we can say to a young person, especially if he or she is feeling depressed or self-destructive.

Enmeshing
“Well I never had a problem with math.” “So now you know how I feel.” “Your problems really give me a headache.” “That wouldn’t bother me.”
Confuses ownership of the feeling or problem, shifting focus from the child to the adult. Disrespectful of child’s reality and experience. Confusing, distracting.

Competing
“You think you’ve got problems?” “I had it much worse when I was your age.” “That’s not as bad as what she said (or did) to me.” “We couldn’t even afford…”
Similar to distracting, this strategy also shifts the focus to the adult. Reminiscent of the old Monty Python “poverty” routine (“House? All we had was a shoebox, at the bottom of a lake…”), it denies the child the right to have a negative feeling if anything in his or her life is OK (or better than your situation). A real good one to let go.

Medicating
Uses some type of substance (usually food) or activity (schoolwork, TV, chores, shoping) to distract children from their feelings. Can set up or reinforce an association between emotional discomfort and the need to get out of those feelings (numbing, taking the edge off) by taking or doing something.

Responses that make the child wrong for having feelings

Dynamic: Serves as outlet for adult’s anger, impatience, frustration, or feelings of inadequacy or shame triggered by child’s feelings. Likely to slip out when we’re tired or not taking care of ourselves, or when our previous warnings have been ignored.

Outcome: Shame/wrongness; defensiveness; feelings are not OK, nor are they safe to share.

Examples:

Attacking/Shaming
“I told you this would happen!” “Don’t be a sissy.” “You’re so ungrateful!” “Nice boys don’t hate their sisters.” “You’re just too sensitive.” “How could you be so stupid!”
OK, now the kid has two problems and you’re one of them. While this reaction may be natural, it’s neither encouraging, accepting, nor validating, nor does it build communication or emotional safety. ’nuff said?

Blaming
“What did you do to her?” “Well, if you had just studied!” “Of course it died! You never changed the water!” “That’s what happens when you overeat.”
The energy in this response is very similar to attacking and shaming (above), and like those responses, simply adds stress and defensiveness to the equation (and relationship).

Challenging
“Why does that bother you?”
This response requires children to shift from the affect (feeling their feelings) to the cognitive (describing and explaining them). It asks kids to defend their feelings, and suggests the need to convince the adult that the feelings are legitimate in order to get the adult’s approval or acceptance. Bottom line: It really doesn’t matter why something is bothering someone; it just matters that it does (and that we are willing to accept it without understanding).

Responses that attempt to fix it or make it better

Dynamic: Makes adult responsible for child’s problems, allows adult to feel important. Suggests a mistrust for child’s ability to resolve problems. Also shifts out of affective experience (feeling a feeling) to cognitive process (solving a problem).

Outcome: Reduced sense of responsibility for problems (for child); lack of confidence in problem-solving abilities; helplessness; using feelings to get “rescued.” Dismisses feelings in favor of action (a separate process that tends to go better when not undertaken in the throes of intense feelings).

Examples:

Rescuing/Enabling
“Here. Let me see those math problems.” “OK. You can have the car again next weekend if you have a good enough excuse for breaking curfew.” “Look, I’ll talk to your teacher about it.” “That’s OK. I’ll pay those insurance premiums.”
Takes responsibility for problem instead of listening, hearing, reflecting, and holding other person accountable (which we can do and still be supportive, accepting, and encouraging). Does not suggest trust for children’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence.

Commiserating
“Well, we never liked him much anyway. He was just a jerk.” “You’re so unlucky.” “I feel so sorry for you.” “Sucks to be you.”
There’s a difference between empathy and pity, and many attempts to console kids just ends up assigning them to the role of victim (or reinforces victim thinking). We can empathize and validate the reality of another person’s experience without suggesting that they are pitiable. Plus, focusing on the fact that someone disliked her job, for example, does not acknowledge the feelings that can come up when she got fired.

Advising
“Go study and you won’t feel so scared about that test.” “Tell her how she made you feel.” “You know if you cut your hair and lost five pounds you wouldn’t feel that way.” “Just ignore her.”
Shifts responsibility for problem from the child to the adult. Further, advice may not address actual problem, may be misinterpreted or misunderstood, and may create additional problems if followed. This aproach is often the one taken by adults who see the child’s vulnerability as an opportunity to assert their own agendas. It distracts from affect and suggests a certain mistrust for child’s ability to solve problem. Advice-giving robs kids of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. This strategy also encourages dependence, blame, and learned helplessness. Click here for alternatives to advice-giving.

To become more responsive and supportive— not only in relationships with children, but with adults, as well— start paying attention to the responses you rely on most frequently. Avoiding these non-supportive patterns, common though they may be, can make an enormous difference in the connection you have with others. Links to alternatives to the above responses are listed below.

Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Dr. Jane Bluestein © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA. Similar issues are addressed in Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, as well as Parents, Teens & Boundaries, both by Dr. Jane Bluestein © Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.

Related resources:

An Alternative to Advice-Giving
Questions, Not Answers
Magic Sentences for Effective Communication
The Power of Discouragement
What’s Wrong with I-Messages?

Click here to order Dr. Bluestein’s article, “Ask—Don’t Tell” and “Being a Supportive Listener.”

Presentation: Bearing Witness: Support for Kids in Crisis
Presentation: “No Really, I’m Fine!” Connecting with Kids in Emotional Distress
Presentation: Secrets of Successful Mentorship: Practical Ideas for Great Leaders

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

The beginning of an interesting journey

A few weeks ago, I did a podcast on this topic with Dr. Miriam Adderholdt, whose book, Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good? was one of the first I ever included in my catalogue, back when I distributed books for other publishers. It was a good conversation with a colleague and friend I’ve known since the mid-80s. A couple weeks later, Miriam invited me to co-author a 3rd edition of this book.

I was, at the time, talking with two other friends about doing a leadership book in the Win-Win series sometime this fall, and I was also looking over a collection of notes for a book on recovery issues for people in the helping professions. I had three unfinished podcasts waiting for processing, a couple new “Pads” on the Back templates to lay out, details for upcoming trips to complete, tax stuff to turn in, and promises to several individuals for back-cover blurbs or reviews for their books, the latest request about a book on the value of saying “no.” I’m not making this up.

So, OK. I know I have a tendency to overcommit, and I also know that at this point in my life it’s not about a need for approval or achievement, or about an inability to say no. I think my problem is simple curiosity— I find it very hard to resist an opportunity to check out something interesting, and frankly, there are a whole lot of things that interest me. (I am known in some eCircles as ADHD crafter. Sigh.) An opportunity to work with someone I respect on a topic that will not only stretch me to the opposite end of the at-risk spectrum with which I usually deal, but will also very likely slam me up against my own history and lingering gaps in my own recovery, was just to yummy to resist.

I rationalized that the book was already written, although the intention for the new edition will, in all likelihood, take it from the gifted teen niche to a broader market (including adults) and require a good bit of new information. I swore I would not let this book take over my life this time, as is my tendency, but since sending in the contract three days ago, I’ve worked fairly obsessively on almost nothing else. I haven’t decided whether I’m the best person for this job or the worst, and the fact that I’m even thinking in these terms tells me I’m in pretty big trouble.

I started out by asking newsletter subscribers and Facebook friends (among others) if they had any stories, experiences, ideas, suggestions for topics, or tips for healing and have spent most of the past 48 hours responding, forwarding, printing, and filing what’s come back. This is a great way for me to learn more about what I expect will prove a fascinating topic, and help me get a sense of the dimensions this book will need to address. I’ve already received way more information than I expected, broadened my understanding of this issue, and have read many stories that I can relate to all too well.

So the $64,000 question, folks, is this: Can I do a book on perfectionism and not end up triggering every related tendency, whether over-committing, not being able to stop, obsessing about the topic, working long after I should have stopped (or stopped being coherent), ignoring other commitments and people, or procrastinating, for example— all things that I have worked so hard to resolve and stop doing! The past two days do not bode well for my sanity, but this is the beginning of the project and perhaps once I get a bit of a rhythm down, once we get our outline set, once… oh who am I kidding?

Look, if you want to see what this project is about and have something to share, click here for more information.

Update: May 6, 2013

I just got back from a recent visit with my mom. I swear, every time I go there, she has found another box of “things” for me to go through. This time, she sent me home with what may well be the last remnants of my childhood, stuff she has kept for close to 50 years that she just couldn’t toss. Among the treasures and (mostly) trash was a paper I had done in 7th grade on Agriculture in Europe. I was astonished and frankly a bit horrified to see this monstrosity of a “paper,” more of a book, 72 pages long with outlines, charts, illustrations (hand drawn and cut out), with hand-written text, each page mounted on construction paper and tied with a ribbon at the top.

When I finish unpacking, I will have to take a few photos and share them here. All I could think of was what kind of 12-year-old does stuff like this? How was I not tested for OCD? (Did that even exist back then?) I think I will have to add to the ever-growing list of topics this book is likely to address the fact that our schools and families clearly encourage this kind of commitment. I did not remember this paper, though it was clearly one I had written. (I even recognized the handwriting of the teacher’s comment on the front.) And I doubt that it ever occurred to me that a project this extensive was not completely normal.

Nonetheless, I have been taking a hard (and rather uncomfortable) look at the overcommitting and over-doing that has (obviously) characterized most of my life and having this evidence among several other projects that likewise support the obviousness of this tendency, there have been some serious consequences. I have to wonder (as I scramble to re-create this 700+ page Web site, research a new book, and get farther and farther behind on pretty much everything else in my life) at what point do I simply stop working like this.

I’ve always justified this pace, this work-load, the demands I place on myself, with the fact that I’m enjoying what I do. I love working on this site and love what I’m learning as I read about various aspects of perfectionism. I suspect I loved working on that paper, but holding it my hand actually scared me a bit.

Stay tuned. I suspect I will have more on this as this project continues to unfold.

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Acknowledging an early inspiration

I knew it the instant I walked into Edith Mather’s kindergarten in the fall of 1956: I’m going to be a teacher. There was something about that classroom that was so wonderfully exciting, so inviting, so safe. It wasn’t just the room, of course, but the warmth, enthusiasm and dedication of a brilliant teacher who greeted me as I cautiously peeked into that room for the first time.

It was a wonderful year! Behind every vivid memory there is the teacher who told us stories and taught us to tie our shoes, took us to the pond to see the tadpoles, and helped us learn how to share, put things away, and wait for our turn. She provided a learning environment rich in colorful and stimulating resources and activities, and yet had the grace and patience to allow me to indulge my preoccupation with “painting at the easel,” even when it was the only thing I wanted to do for weeks at a time. She handled the rare discipline problem with gentle good humor and managed to treat each of us as though we mattered more than anything in the entire world.

Although I had some marvelous teachers in the years that followed, Mrs. Mather was a tough act to follow. I always went back to her class to visit, but the kids in my neighborhood went to other schools from fourth grade on and I never saw her again after that.

I often wondered about her, especially when I walked into my first classroom as a teacher. As I prepared for my first group of students, I wondered if I’d ever be the kind of teacher Mrs. Mather had been. I knew I had the content down, that I could develop materials and prepare lessons with the best of them. But what about the relationships, the way I’d interact with my students, the way they’d feel when they were in my class? Mrs. Mather became the yardstick against which I would measure my successes and analyze my mistakes. Throughout my career, I have tried to hold the image of her patience, her commitment, and her ability to believe in all of her students as a beacon for me to follow.

From time to time I would try to contact her. I wanted to see how she was doing, to share a few memories with her and to let her know that my career passions and pursuits had begun in her care. Unfortunately, the new teachers did not remember her and the personnel office had lost track of her. I kept trying with no success. (This was, after all, in the days before electronic wizardry made finding people much easier!)

Years later, I was having dinner with a friend whose mother once taught with Mrs. Mather. She said she’d ask around at the next Retired Teacher’s Association meeting and sure enough, found someone who had an address for Mrs. Mather in a town nearby.

I was so excited! I finally wrote her the letter I’d been composing in my head for more than twenty years. I shared my memories of things we did in her room, of how wonderful that year had been. I dug up my school picture from 1956 (above) and sent her a copy. I told her about my own experiences as a classroom teacher. I sent her the first article I had published in a magazine for teachers, and a brochure that detailed the work I was currently doing as an independent contractor and consultant to schools throughout the world. “All because of you!” I wrote.

I sent the letter off feeling as though I had completed something that was critically important for me to do. A few months later, I received a note from her son, who had found my correspondence with some of the last things his mother had read. My letter had arrived two weeks before Mrs. Mather passed away. I’ll never know if she actually remembered who I was or how she felt about receiving my letter, but all that was somewhat beside the point. For regardless of any response or recollection this letter might have inspired, I just wanted to let a gifted teacher know that her efforts had come to good, that many, many years ago, she had touched the heart of a child, and that above all things, like any talented educator, she had made a difference in another person’s life.

Comments welcome. See below.

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Related resources:

Recharging our Professional Batteries: 3 Ways to Keep the Love Alive!

Podcast: Leading Learning: The art, science, and craft of teaching with Glenn Capelli

Book: Mentors, Masters and Mrs. MacGregor: Stories of Teachers Making a Difference

Product: “Pads” on the Back: Sticky-notes with 10 different acknowledgements. Like getting a hug on paper!

Articles: “Thank a Teacher.” Click here for this and other articles for purchase.

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Does this sound familiar?

The following material came from a bookmark distributed by De Anza College:

Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion: You all want to stay stressed! The following provides you with a few reasons why.

Stress helps you seem important.
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.

It helps you to maintain personal distance and avoid intimacy.
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can’t be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let’s face it, you’re not much fun to be around anyway.

It helps you avoid responsibilities.
Obviously you’re too stressed to given any more work. This gets off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.

It gives you a chemical rush.
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a “hit” anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own adrenaline.

It helps you avoid success.
Why risk being “successful” when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won’t ever be a threat.

Stress also lets you keep your authoritaiuan management style.
The authoritarian style of “Just do what I say!” is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can just an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You’ll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

Never exercise.
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

Eat anything you want.
Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.

Gain weight.
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

Take plenty of stimulants.
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

Avoid “woo-woo,” practices.
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.

Get rid of your social support system.
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

Personalize all criticism.
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

Throw out your sense of humor.
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.

Males and females alike: Be macho.
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

Become a workaholic.
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

Discard good time management skills.
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

Procrastinate.
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

Worry about things you can’t control.
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

Become not only a perfectionist but set impossibly high standards…
and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don’t meet them.

In case it’s not painfully obvious, I do not recommend ANY of the above practices, although this might be more of a do-as-I-say situation… something I’ve been working on long since before I first encountered this tongue-in-cheek resource many years ago.

That said, if the above suggestions will help you stay stressed, then it’s reasonable to assume that doing pretty much the exact opposite will help reduce stress. Let’t give it a try, OK?

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Related resources:

8 Ways to Live in Gratitude
15 Ways to Live Optimistically
36 Things You can Do to Feel Great
The Challenge of Setting Boundaries
Dealing with Difficult Colleagues
The Dignity Stance
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendships
Magic Sentences for Effective Communication
Perfectionism vs. The Healthy Pursuit of Excellence
Picking up the Pieces: Reclaiming our Essence
Stress and the Brain: The impact of stress on learning and behavior

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What self-esteem is, and is not

On this page you will find a comparison between the characteristics of someone with a healthy, functional sense of self-worth vs. the characteristics of someone whose sense of worth, value, esteem, and deservingness is weak or low. See below for additional information.

Self-esteem clearly goes beyond simply “feeling good about oneself,” and should not be confused with delusion, bravado, self-aggrandizement or narcissism. The term has gotten a bad rap in recent years, perhaps because the concept has been linked to excessive or unearned praise (or flattery), giving unconditional approval to unacceptable behavior, accepting below-standard work as acceptable (or even wonderful!) or attempting to protect children from challenges, mistakes, or failure. Parents and teachers who practice these behaviors in the name of self-esteem do a great disservice to the children involved.

However, doing the opposite— criticizing, knocking kids down or setting them up for failure— is equally destructive. Fortunately, there is a middle ground. If we’re truly committed to building self-esteem (or whatever term we can comfortably ascribe to the characteristics on the left-hand side of this chart), we need to hold children accountable for their behavior, challenge them to continue to grow, and accept and value them as people even when we are not accepting unacceptable behavior or sub-standard performance.

*Please note that some authors make a distinction between healthy and high self-esteem. Certainly, by more superficial (feel-good) definitions, “it is possible to have such high, unhealthy self-esteem that we live a life of delusion,” and likewise “possible to have low, healthy self-esteem and be living a life of humility,” as authors H. Stephen Glenn and Michael Brock point out (Seven Strategies for Developing Capable Students, Rocklin, Calif.: Prima Publishing, 1998, 173.) I understand their concern, however taking the full set of characteristics into account, high— or healthy— self-esteem precludes the possibility of delusion, and certainly leaves plenty of room for humility and any number of other desirable traits.

Excerpted from Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, by Dr. Jane Bluestein (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc, 2001). This chart includes several ideas graciously contributed by Robert Reasoner, past president of the International Association for Self-Esteem.

Click here to read the Rave Reviews for Creating Emotionally Safe Schools!

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Related resources:

Perfectionism vs. The Healthy Pursuit of Excellence
Children at Risk: Common characteristics and family patterns
Is Your School an Emotionally Safe Place? Survey
Picking up the Pieces: Reclaiming our Essence
The Power of Discouragement
The School as a Dysfunctional Family (Systems dysfunction)
Pretty and Popular: Bias and Discrimination in Schools

Podcast: Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good with Dr. Miriam Adderholdt

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

An argument in favor of hydration

Talk to any of the coaches in my teacher training seminars and they all seem to have one thing in common. Regardless of the sport they coach, I’ve yet to meet anyone who would think of sending students out on the court, track, mat, or playing field without having them be adequately hydrated first. We know that players are more focused and less prone to injury when they’ve been drinking water, and the Coaches’ Learning Network recommend that athletes have water with them all the time—in school, in the car, by their beds at night—and not just during practices or games.

So here’s the big question: If we want our players hydrated to increase their levels of concentration and performance, wouldn’t we want our students hydrated in their academic classes to help them out in, say, math, biology, or reading? A 2004 article on the Teaching Expertise Web site claims that “mental performance can fall by 10%” when students are not hydrated, and that dehydration can add to tiredness, headaches, and irritability. Authors and educators most familiar with the relationship between students’ physiological needs and their behavior and performance (notably Carla Hannaford, Martha Kaufeldt, and Eric Jensen among others) advise that adequate hydration improves brain functioning and academic skills.

Water can account for a significant reduction in hyperactivity and inattention, and one principal reported a noteworthy decrease in the number of sick days among students and faculty alike after she had water coolers installed in every classroom. Water also helps counteract the effects of caffeine, sugar, stress, and low-frequency electromagnetic fields (encountered around computers, phones, mp3 players, or other electronic devices), all of which contribute to the body becoming dehydrated, and all of which are in abundant supply in most kids’ lives. Additionally, learning is better served by small and frequent water intake rather than making kids wait until breaks or lunchtime. In this regard, water bottles offer the perfect solution.

Yet despite all these benefits, this cheap and simple brain-friendly accommodation makes some people nervous. Chief among complaints is the fact that yes, increase water intake and kids will have to pee, at least until the kidneys adjust to the change. Still, many teachers report that after the initial fascination wears off, the students actually ask for the pass less frequently— especially in cases in which kids were asking to leave just to get a drink. (The decrease in these requests dropped off even more dramatically when teachers allowed brain breaks and movement at regular and frequent intervals. And not one coach has ever reported having to call a time out for a potty break during a game. Clearly the potential for self-management exists.)

Many teachers have averted potential negative behaviors involving water bottles (including a few reports of kids bringing vodka in the bottles), by providing water for the kids, by having clear boundaries and instructions for using this accommodation appropriately, and, better still, by creating emotionally safe, win-win learning environments in which students can get their needs met for attention, success, structure, belonging, and autonomy, for example, without abusing this privilege. (It’s always tempting to choose banning items over taking the time to teach students to self-manage and use them properly, skills that will serve them far better in the long run.) In fact, the number of teachers who allow, and in fact encourage water bottles and frequent hydration without incident may make the strongest argument for bringing this brain-friendly support for kids into as many classrooms as possible.

This article was originally written for the argument in favor of allowing water and hydration in class for a 2008 article that appeared in American Teacher. 

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Related resources:

Water and the Body: Benefits of Water to the Body
The “Ideal” Student: Kids for whom traditional classrooms are ideally suited (and why so many non-traditional learners struggle in these instructional environments).
Ways to Reach More Students
ADHD Look-Alike Conditions
Multiple Intelligences
Working With Different Sensory/Modality Strengths and Limitations
Survey: Is Your School (or Classroom) an Emotionally Safe Place?
Supporting Kids in Crisis: Non-supportive patterns to avoid!
Alternatives to Non-Supportive Responses
Industrial Age Classrooms vs. Information Age Classrooms

Links to other articles on hydration and nutrition:

Coaches Learning Network: Water and athletes (brief intro to article, requires membership for full access).
Teaching Expertise: Hydrate the Brain (includes links to other articles)
Hydration and Learning Fact Sheet from Pathfinders for Autism
Hydration is the Key to Learning by Jennifer Insalaco
Feeding the Brain for Academic Success by Philippa Norman, M.D., M.P.H.
Brain Fitness for Learning: Some practical tips for supporting brain fitness in your classroom and school. (Fee for article.)
How Iodine Deficiency May Affect Your Child’s Brain Function and IQ by Dr. Joseph Mercola

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]]> http://janebluestein.com/2013/should-classrooms-ban-water-bottles/feed/ 0 http://janebluestein.com/2013/stress-and-the-brain/ http://janebluestein.com/2013/stress-and-the-brain/#comments Sat, 04 May 2013 20:37:44 +0000 Dr. Jane Bluestein http://janebluestein.com/?p=5777

Fact Sheet: The impact of stress on learning and behavior

Here are a few things to remember about the impact of stress on the brain, and on an individual’s ability to function effectively— academically and behaviorally— in a learning environment. While originally developed for educators, this information is also relevant to parents, and applies to all learners, regardless of age.

• Children vary in sensitivity to environmental stimuli: sights, sounds, odors, physical sensations, as well as the emotional energy in the classroom and the teacher’s emotional state.

• The emotional climate in the classroom (or home) can have a strong impact on the degree to which factual information can be processed, retained, and recalled.

• Emotion is necessary for learning. Emotional impact makes memories clear and long-lasting.

• Context is a factor. Emotions experienced in one setting or environment tend to be carried to similar settings and situations. For example, a teacher’s angry reaction to a mistake in one class may create a negative anticipation in a different class with a different teacher covering similar content. A stressful experience while trying to do a certain activity at home can trigger a similar response when a similar activity is assigned in school.

• When our “shields” are up, other systems may be down (inaccessible, closed channels, etc.) We shift into a lower level of functioning when we feel threatened, which makes higher-level functions difficult if not impossible.

• Our interpretation of events creates the reaction in our brain.

• When the brain perceives an experience as positive, pleasantly exciting and fun, it releases certain chemicals that assist learning and recall.

• When input is experienced as negative or threatening, the chemicals that are released can have a negative affect on learning and retention. (Fight-or-flight survival response.)

• Stress reactions vary from child to child: What’s challenging and curiosity-provoking to one student can trigger paralyzing fear in another. These responses can also vary from day to day, and can be influenced by other situations in the child’s life (something going on at home, in the hallways, or on the playground, for example, or pain or illness the child is currently experiencing).

• Anxiety responses can include physical reactions, such as sweating, dry mouth, shallow breathing, headache, pounding pulse, intestinal distress, weakness, incoordination, or “freezing” or “going blank.”

• Anxiety can also provoke behavioral reactions such as panic, irritability, depression, agitation, worry, inattention, forgetfulness, or distractibility, not to mention disruptive and sometimes hurtful outbursts.

• Downshifting: A neurological “shift” when under perceived threat from being able to access cognitive (more rational) parts of the brain to functioning from the survival center (emotional, midbrain).

• Stress changes chemical and electrical activity in the brain.

• Stress hormones affect the hippocampus, inhibiting the growth of new dendrites (or actually causing dendritic branches to die off), leading to decreased memory and learning. Chronic stress (such as growing up in a war zone, violent home, or neglectful environment) can negatively affect neural development (brain size, number of neural networks).

• Excess cortisol, a chemical released under trauma and stress, leads to hippocampal damage, and can result in memory lapses, anxiety, and difficulty regulating attention and emotional outbursts in a classroom setting. (Long-term effects can impact the immune system, blood pressure, and protein metabolism.)

• Under stress, our weakest channels get weaker, and even our stronger modalities can be compromised. For example: if you’re strong visually, think of a time you were rushing to leave and opened the closet to get a jacket you couldn’t find, even though it was right in front of you.

• Children under stress are less able to absorbed what is being said to them, shown to them, or asked of them, and are likely to misunderstand or distort what they do receive. The resulting downshifted, or survival behaviors can result in additional anger, punishment, failure, or alienation from the adult, a cycle of reactions that compounds the problem. For many young people, it’s just easier to shut down and drop out.

The brain’s main job is prioritizing information relevant to our survival. Anything that suggests the possibility of danger, whether real or imagined, becomes a higher priority than anything else that is going on at that moment. This data is processed first, shifting our attention from cognitive processes down to the faster-acting limbic system, while more complex cerebral operations shut down. Survival always overrides problem-solving, analyzing, remembering, pattern-detection and other rational processes.

People simply learn better in an environment of encouragement, respect, and caring; when they know that they can try something new and make mistakes without encountering anger, shaming, impatience, or even disappointment; and when their individual learning preferences are accommodated. A sense of connectedness with the teacher is one of the most valuable assets at our disposal. Not only do kids do better in classrooms when they believe the teacher cares about them, but they’re far more likely to cut us some slack when we are having a bad day.

Excerpted from Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, by Dr. Jane Bluestein (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc, 2001)

Click here to read the Rave Reviews for Creating Emotionally Safe Schools!

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Related resources:

The Animal School
Children at Risk: Common characteristics and family patterns
Conditions with ADHD “Look-Alike” Symptoms
The “Ideal” Student: The students we were taught to teach
I’m Hyperactive, You’re Hyperactive
Increasing Success for All Students
Literacy: What’s Movement Got to Do with It?
Ways to Reach More Students
Multiple Intelligences
Some Kids (Really Do) Study Better When…
Water and the Body

Products:

Book: Becoming a Win-Win Teacher
Book: Creating Emotionally Safe Schools
Book: The Win-Win Classroom

Audio: Practical Strategies for Working Successfully with Difficult Students

Video: Emotional Safety and Learning Styles

Podcasts:

The Fragile Learner: Reaching and teaching struggling students, with Hanoch McCarty, with Hanoch McCarty
The Inclusive Teacher: Success with ADD and ADHD students, with Margit Crane
Movement and Learning: A partnering relationship, with Aili Pogust

Presentations:

Creating Emotionally Safe Schools: Is Your School an Emotionally Safe Place?
Dealing with Difficult Students: Practical Strategies for Success with Defiant, Defeated, and other At-Risk Kids
The ‘I-Can’ Classroom: Building for Success and Achievement for ALL Students 
“My Brain Doesn’t Work Like That”: Creating Success with Non-Traditional Learners by Accommodating Learning Differences
The Win-Win Classroom: A Fresh and Positive Look at Classroom Management

Hire Jane: Everything you need for your next conference or professional development event

Please support this site. Click here for more information.

Dr. Jane Bluestein’s handouts

Here is a PDF copy of the slides Dr. Bluestein presented at the Memphis City Schools inservice on April 27, 2013.

Click here to view the PDF version of Dr. Bluestein’s electronic presentation for “Classroom Management: Strategies for Creating Success and Cooperation in a Win-Win Classroom” or right-click to download a copy to your hard drive.

Please note: This presentation was created using Apple’s Keynote software. If you use Keynote and want a copy, email me and I’ll send a copy. Be aware that opening this file in MS Powerpoint changes fonts, text flow, and bullet points. (Remember the big “thank you” heart at the end of the presentation? Well, Powerpoint changes that to a bullseye! Not exactly the message I want to give.) If you absolutely HAVE to have a copy of this in Powerpoint, contact me and I’ll see what I can do. My phone contact is 505-323-9044.

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