Archive | Relationships

“Constructive Differencing” Notes and Highlights

How to disagree and still maintain contact The following offers additional resource material related to the conversation with Dr. Jared Scherz, (audio file/podcast) recorded on Dec. 14, 2011. The main points include: One of the most stress-producing obstacles in any relationship is the need to be right when it requires others to be wrong. Differences […]

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15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

Letting go of pain, stress, and suffering Note from Dr. Bluestein: Many of you know how picky I am about what I include on this site. This is a piece I came across a while ago and have been wanting to include it here ever since. This list strongly resonates with concepts I’ve been promoting in […]

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Stress-Producing Obstacles in Relationships

Patterns to avoid Want to reduce conflict, pain, and alienation in relationships with the important people in your life? Here are some of the patterns that make connecting difficult. (Some suggestions for resolution below.) • Needing to be in charge or in control, especially when it depends on disempowering or controlling others, or when it disregards […]

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Presentation: The Perfection Deception

Why trying to be perfect is sabotaging our relationships, making us sick, and holding our happiness hostage Presentation by Dr. Jane Bluestein Perfectionism may sound like a good thing, but it’s entirely different from the more realistic and achievable healthy pursuit of excellence. Working diligently toward improvement, learning, and growth is also far less destructive (and […]

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Book: The Perfection Deception

Why trying to be perfect is sabotaging your relationships, making you sick, and holding your happiness hostage. Have you ever: * compared yourself to others and seemed to come up short? * felt like no matter how much you did or how hard you tried, it wasn’t enough? * set unrealistic, even harmful standards for […]

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14 Façons d’être un Parent Plus Conscient

Par Jane Bluestein Ph.D. • Identifiez vos buts concernant l’éducation de votre enfant. Pensez au type de relation que vous cherchez à établir, et à ce que vous pouvez faire pour l’obtenir. Regardez les objectifs à long et à court-terme. • Faites-vous un petit panneau qui dit : « Ma relation avec mon enfant (ou mes enfants) est importante. […]

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“Making Someone Wrong”

What does that really mean? In what has become a bit of a family joke, my husband and I can spend the entire day together in the house. Yet, regardless of how much time we’ve been talking or interacting, something happens the minute I reach for my keys to leave for a meeting, class, or […]

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The Gift of Service: Certificate

Download page for Service Certificates Click here to download a page with two copies of a certificate you can duplicate to offer the gift of your service to someone in your life. This page corresponds to Chapter 4, “The Pleasures of Service,” in Magic, Miracles and Synchronicity by Jane Bluestein, Judy Lawrence, and S.J. Sanchez. See below […]

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Angels in Disguise: Certificate

Download page for Angel Certificates Click here to download a page with two copies of a certificate you can duplicate to recognize and acknowledge the Angels in Disguise who enrich your life. These “angels” could be family and friends, or they could be helpers, service people, or total strangers who add to your life with […]

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Non-Supportive Responses to Avoid

Yes, these really do make things worse! If people trust us enough to share an experience that has had an emotional impact on them, we usually do the most good when we can respond with empathy and support. Unfortunately, the following non-supportive or negative responses are so common and pervasive in our culture that avoiding […]

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“Magic” Sentences for Effective Communication

Positive language for avoiding conflict, negotiating agreements, and taking care of yourself “Magic Sentences” are key phrases that offer practical ways to use specific language to prevent, minimize, or de-escalate conflicts with others. Different sentences will be useful in different situations. These examples represent a win-win approach to relationships, and while they were originally developed for […]

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What’s Wrong with I-Messages?

Problems with a popular formula © 1991, 1999, 2003, 2013 This article was originally written for an issue of Families in Recovery, a parenting magazine that is no longer in print. Although the examples primarily feature parent-child interactions, the dynamics, issues, and alternatives are applicable to any relationship. A man in one of my workshops […]

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10 Characteristics of Healthy Adult-Child Relationships

Description of the characteristics Healthy, functional relationships between adults and children (including teacher-student relationships) are characterized by the following. Increasing the presence of these characteristics in your relationships is a great way to improve commitment, communications, cooperation and consideration, and reduce stress and conflict as well! This list applies to parents and care-givers as well […]

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Rules and Beliefs of Unhealthy Systems

Foundations of unhealthy adult-child group systems For much of my recent career, I have referred the following two lists (“Rules” and “Beliefs”) as the basis for the paradigm in which many of our current practices and polices exist. The information comes from Alice Miller’s work (cited below) and represents destructive, if common, ideas which cumulatively […]

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The Dignity Stance

Tips for responding to meanness or bullying by Naomi Drew Note from Jane Bluestein: Ms. Drew recommends teaching kids the following strategies. I think this information would also be valuable for adults in a similar situation. (more…)

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5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary- For Educators

 A positive, effective shift from rules and punishments Unlike rules (with punishments or negative consequences), boundaries* are characterized by the following: Clarity Boundaries are clear, specific and clearly communicated. They work best when you have the students’ attention, when they understands what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear and when […]

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Presentation: The Soft-Drink Dilemma

Creating Win-Win Options in a Win-Lose World Presentation by Dr. Jane Bluestein Have you ever noticed that if you go to a restaurant and want a soft-drink, in almost every case you have to decide between Pepsi or Coke products? A silly distinction, but one that reflects the win-lose mentality that suggests in order for one side […]

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