Parenting

10 Dangers of Encouraging Obedience and People-Pleasing

June 9, 2013 Behavior Management

It’s not as desirable as it sounds! Parents can’t choose the mates of their children or the behavior of their children. You actually can’t choose anything for your children without disempowering them. —Abraham* Most of the parents and teachers with whom I work come to my presentations (especially ones like “You Can’t Make Me!” and [...]

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Good Parenting or Effective Parenting?

June 9, 2013 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

What is the Difference? Good parents control their children. Right? When a child is throwing a temper tantrum at the supermarket, everyone is thinking, “If they were good parents, they’d control that kid!” Well, perhaps not everyone thinks that, but when it’s our child and we are the ones on center stage, it usually feels [...]

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Is Control the Goal? with Tammy Cox

June 9, 2013 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

The high price of trying to control children Episode Summary: Power is an intrinsic need we all have from day one! When it comes to adult-child relationships, power struggles are consistently at the top of the list. We all know that kids need limits and structure to grow into responsible adults, but there is also an [...]

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Thumbs up, thumbs down

May 31, 2013 Feedback and encouragement

The importance of meaningful feedback My husband just came in to read a bit of consumer feedback on a product he was researching. The book received rave reviews but the reviewer gave the author three out of five stars because “the box was dented.” We’ve all seen this kind of feedback. Excellent restaurants downgraded because [...]

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5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary- For Parents

March 31, 2013 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

And why they are better than rules Boundaries are tools for building cooperation in relationships, for letting others know what you want, and for letting them know which options are available to them (for getting what they want). Set boundaries when you want behaviors to change and wish to avoid negative, stressful behaviors such as [...]

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“Magic” Sentences for Effective Communication

March 28, 2013 Avoiding power struggles

 Positive language for avoiding conflict, negotiating agreements, and taking care of yourself “Magic Sentences” are key phrases that offer practical ways to use specific language to prevent, minimize, or de-escalate conflicts with others. Different sentences will be useful in different situations. These examples represent a win-win approach to relationships, and while they were originally developed for [...]

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What’s Wrong with I-Messages?

January 14, 2013 Avoiding power struggles

Problems with a popular formula © 1991, 1999, 2003, 2013 This article was originally written for an issue of Families in Recovery, a parenting magazine that is no longer in print. Although the examples primarily feature parent-child interactions, the dynamics, issues, and alternatives are applicable to any relationship. A man in one of my workshops [...]

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How to Avoid Meltdowns in Public

January 5, 2013 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

Practical tips for preventing (and handling) tantrums Most every parent fears that inevitable moment in the store when all eyes are on them because their adorable child is having a full-fledged temper tantrum.  Many parents will go to great lengths to avoid having these meltdowns in public, even giving into every unreasonable demand the non-rational [...]

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Picking up the Pieces

December 23, 2012 Blog

Reclaiming our essence “I can never read your writing.” “That was awful. Maybe you should leave the athletics to your sister.” “I can’t tell what this drawing is supposed to be.” “You’ll never be any good at…” Do any of these sound familiar? I know very few adults who grew up without at least some [...]

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The Power of Discouragement

December 20, 2012 Avoiding burnout

The impact of feedback on achievement Years ago working in Slovenia, I met an art teacher, Andrej Grošelj, who over the years, stayed in touch and became a friend until his recent and sudden death. With the help of Google’s Language Tools, I was able to translate email messages he occasionally sent in his native tongue. One [...]

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6 Reasons to Not Ask “Why”- For Parents

December 10, 2012 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

No more excuses! This post is about not asking for excuses by asking your kids to explain why they did something wrong or forgot to do something they were supposed to do (or had agreed to do). This is a common pattern that will create problems and can undermine your authority. Here’s why asking “why” [...]

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11 Reasons to Use Boundaries- For Parents

December 10, 2012 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

Establishing your authority with boundaries * Boundaries allow you to express your limits and to communicate the conditions or availability of certain privileges that your children desire. * Boundaries prevent conflict and build win-win power structures. They help you take care of yourself while attempting to accommodate your children’s needs or desires. * Boundaries build [...]

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9 Things to Remember when Setting Boundaries- For Parents

December 10, 2012 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

Practical tips for making boundaries work * Use boundaries to let your children know your limits and tolerances, your availability, the conditions under which you will participate in some activity, which privileges are available, or the conditions under which a privilege is available to your children. Use boundaries to give your children information they can [...]

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Ways to Model Respect with your Children

November 28, 2012 Behavior Management

Practical ways to teach respectful behavior This list was compiled for a book for parents. Many of these tips will also apply to educators and others who work with young people. • Listen. Make eye contact when your children are talking to you. Make an effort to really hear and appreciate what your children are [...]

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Rules and Beliefs of Unhealthy Systems

November 26, 2012 Counselors

Foundations of unhealthy adult-child group systems For much of my recent career, I have referred the following two lists (“Rules” and “Beliefs”) as the basis for the paradigm in which many of our current practices and polices exist. The information comes from Alice Miller’s work (cited below) and represents destructive, if common, ideas which cumulatively [...]

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Thinking of “Consequences” as the Good Stuff

November 22, 2012 Discipline

A very different approach! Here’s a new spin on the notion of “consequences,” a term familiar to every parent. But rather than looking at the negative outcome of behavioral choices your children make, let’s

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Guidelines for Handling Your Children’s Negative Behavior

November 19, 2012 Avoiding power struggles with your kids

Practical tips for parents and caregivers • Think prevention. Although no one can predict every possible opportunity for disaster, many problems can be avoided by taking the time to anticipate

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Guidelines for Reinforcing Cooperation

November 19, 2012 Parents

Practical tips for parents and caregivers • Recognizing positive behaviors increase the likelihood that these behaviors will continue or reoccur. • Use positive reinforcement— verbal or non-verbal (interactive, token, or activity)— to

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